Marriage Counselling Grimsby

Some people are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the relationship and can't communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship. Read on for more.

The Relationship Centre
01457 810229
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Oldham
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1-2-1 Private Counselling
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07800 901203
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023 9271 7699
9 St. Georges Walk
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Basto Judy Elaine
01737 771137
70 Blackborough Rd
Reigate
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07989 932385
Pottery Rd
Oldbury
Howie Stephanie
01628 626019
2 Stockwells
Maidenhead
Farnborough Counselling Service
01252 515053
Alexandra Rd
Farnborough

Improving Relationship & Marriage Communication

Improving Communication

Improving Communication

If you look at many of the problems that arise in your relationship you may see a common pattern - they aren't about that particular issue at all but something much deeper - communication.

Arguments, disagreements and differences of opinion often boil down to the fact that we struggle to communicate well. We find it hard to put our own points across in an articulate, non emotional way and we forget to listen. The most basic communication can breakdown during difficult periods - look at your own relationship - do you take the time to talk and listen to your partner every day? Is it about something more meaningful than what you are going to buy at the supermarket that evening?

But how do you start to improve your communication?

  • Remember that men and women are different and have different approaches to communication - most women find it much easier than men to be emotionally open and honest. Give men the time and space to develop a more open way of communicating
  • Don't try and communicate at times when one party is distracted, for example when the football is on or when you are trying to put the kids to bed
  • Find times and places that are comfortable and as peaceful as possible
  • Listen to your partner and give them your full attention
  • Physical closeness is important, sit next to each other and touch if possible
  • Look for non verbal signs that your partner is upset or uncomfortable such as crossing their arms (defensive)
  • Don't rush - leave enough time for everyone to have their say.
  • Getting started can be difficult so try asking open ended questions. These are usually questions that require more than a one word response - usually with some explanation. For example if you say 'Did you have a good day at work today' the answer could easily be 'yes' or 'no'. If you say 'What went well at work today?' it encourages more of a dialogue and allows you to ask more follow on questions.
  • Remember in any discussion there are two points of view and yours may not be the only correct one.
  • Bear in mind that for good communication to become a part of your relationship you need it to be enjoyable and/or productive - don't think you have to put the world to rights in one evening - chat about the things you enjoy doing together and grow towards emotionally deeper topics.

Keeping a relationship alive and happy means learning to communicate well. If you need more help in learning communication skills then you can find local counsellors who will be able to help you.


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Relationship & Marriage Conflict Resolution & Mediation

Conflict Resolution & Mediation

Conflict Resolution

You may have come across the terms conflict resolution, mediation and restorative intervention in the workplace. What they mean is a way of dealing with any conflict in a better way and reaching a resolution which all parties are happy with.

There are many responses to conflict including:

  • Talking about it
  • Physical violence
  • Ignoring the problem
  • Forcing a resolution
  • Arguing
  • Insults.

The problem with most of these responses is that the outcome generally isn't one that both parties will be happy with.

Conflict resolution and restorative intervention are a series of steps which can be used in a relationship to enable both partners to find a mutually acceptable solution to conflict and to restore good terms. It does not focus on blame but looks for agreement that something has gone wrong and develops a way forward. It usually involves a mediator who is able to see both sides, ask questions and intervene if necessary.

It can be used in different circumstances, but is increasingly commonly used to try to avoid divorce or try to come to an agreement regarding the settlement of shared affairs after divorce. These are the steps that a mediator would go through with you:

  • Identify positions (what are each of you really saying)
  • Learn more about the true needs and desires of each partner
  • Ask clarifying questions for more information
  • Brainstorm possible solutions
  • Discuss how each solution would affect each of you and figure out possible compromises
  • Agree upon a solution
  • Implement solutions
  • Re-evaluate solutions, if necessary

Organisations such as Relate use these techniques and allow you to develop a new way of dealing with issues in your relationship. You can also get help from a specialist mediator or counsellor in your area . Once you get used to using this process you can generally manage it yourself without using an intermediary.


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Relationship & Marriage Control Advice

Controlling Control

Controlling Control

Control issues in relationships can cause huge problems, often associated with extremes of behaviour including intense anger which can sometimes spiral into abuse. So how do you identify that control is an issue in your relationship?

Can you or your partner answer yes to any of these questions?

  • Do you often get annoyed at your partner when they do things differently from you?
  • Do you frequently shout at your partner for expressing a different opinion to you?
  • Do you regularly get annoyed when your partner makes choices that you wouldn't?
  • Do you often tell your partner they can't do something, go out or dress in a certain way?
  • Do you ever make threats to try to change your partner's behaviour?

If you or your partner find yourself answering yes to several or all of these questions then that person prefers to be in control and is, consciously or subconsciously, trying to control their partner.

Trying to control someone against their will is bullying. It can frequently have the opposite effect of that intended. Constantly trying to control someone creates an atmosphere of resentment and an unbalanced relationship , often resembling that of an adult and child. This unbalanced relationship can end in abuse if the controller uses physical and emotional abuse in an attempt to maintain control.

The underlying cause of control issues is often insecurity and fear. If you can control the other person then you can predict their behaviour and know how to react to it. Not being able to control a situation leaves some people feeling insecure and scared.

Generally the submissive partner will be the one feeling unhappy and be most likely to want to change the balance in the relationship and gain the skills to cope. However this is one of the hardest skills to develop and talk about because fear is at the root of the problem; the submissive partner fears the anger or actions of the controlling partner and the controlling partner fears losing control of the submissive.

So how do you address issues of excessive control by one partner?

  • It is important to involve your partner in establishing that there is a problem threatening your relationship and your determination to make a change.
  • Try to establish why one of you feels the need to dominate the other and why one partner allows themselves to be controlled. Can you talk about what are you afraid of?
  • Try to reverse the pattern, even if that means starting with something small.
  • The submissive partner may need training to help to rebuild their self confidence and gain more assertiveness skills.
  • Depending on how out of balance the relationship has become you may need professional input to get to the root of the problem.
  • Sometimes this requires getting help outside of the relationship through
    counselling .
  • You can read more about control in relationships here

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Relationship & Marriage Handling Skills

Relationship Handling Skills

Relationship Handling Skills

Research shows that you have a higher chance of divorcing if your parent's relationship ended in divorce. Unfortunately, relationship problem solving skills aren't part of our formal education and many people haven't had the kind of role models in their life to demonstrate the skills needed to keep a relationship healthy and happy.

Whatever the state of your relationship, good problem solving skills can be the difference between making things work and your relationship falling apart. You have to find a way, together, to make your relationship work. This may mean what works for one couple doesn't work for you.

Here are 4 relationship handling skills for you to consider as a couple committed to making your relationship work.

  • Conflict Resolution
  • Improving Communication
  • Sharing Responsibilities
  • Controlling Control

The first step in solving relationship problems is to take stock of where you are now. This can be very difficult if you have spent a long time in the same relationship where well established behaviours appear to be the norm. It can also be very difficult to be objective and see your relationship from a logical standpoint when emotions are running high, but that is exactly what you need to do. To help assess where you are now you can carry out a Relationship Review .


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Relationship Breakdown & Marriage Infidelity

Infidelity

Infidelity

Recent studies have shown that around 45% of married women and 60% of married men are unfaithful at some time or another during their relationship. Infidelity can range from a one night drunken mistake to a long term, planned and calculated affair. Infidelity doesn't have to mean the end, but is likely to have a long term impact on your relationship.

Some people are unfaithful for the thrill and excitement. Some people have affairs because they want to get out of the relationship and can't communicate that fact. Some even have affairs as a cry for help, an indication that something is seriously wrong in the relationship. Admittedly, being unfaithful isn't the best way to tell your partner that you are unhappy but it can be the wake up call that some relationships need.

Sometimes the very fact that a partner is unfaithful allows a couple to take an honest look at their relationship and work through their problems together - creating a stronger and more open partnership.

Why are people unfaithful?

  • Lack of fulfilment in the relationship
  • Fear of commitment or long term issues such as having children
  • Need for more sex or sexual variety
  • Need for excitement
  • To build up self-esteem and feel desirable
  • Lack of stable role model relationships when growing up (or as an adult)
  • Inability to resist the advances of others
  • Sexual addiction
  • To make a partner jealous
  • Fallen out of love
  • Escape to a no strings, less complicated relationship
  • Revenge
  • Wanting out of the relationship but unable to communicate that fact

Here are some common signs that a partner has started an affair or is thinking of infidelity.

  • Have you noticed a change in sexual desire or habits? One partner suddenly wants more or less sex or starts asking for something that has never been a part of your sex life.
  • Has your partner suddenly started taking a great deal of care over their appearance? Are they going to the gym, wearing new make up or aftershave?
  • Do they smell different? Does your partner smell of someone or somewhere else, either perfume, aftershave or the pub.
  • Have they become more secretive? Your partner has become more defensive when questioned, changing passwords, hiding mail, credit card bills, or their mobile phone.
  • Are you experiencing strange hang up calls at home?
  • Have they become more irritated by you? Picking fights over the smallest things, less patient and dismissive.
  • Has your partner's lifestyle changed? They may have suddenly found new interests or taken up new hobbies. They may be out 3 or 4 nights a week, or have to work late a lot.
  • Have they suddenly started showering you with gifts or affection? This can be a sign of guilt.
  • Do they mention someone more frequently? In cases where you might know the person your partner may mention that person...

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