FAQs

5. Do I need a...

Death of a Partner, Husband or Wife

• Discuss how you feel about losing one another with your partner. You have shared your feelings in your life together so it is normal to share your fears and feeling about death. You should still be able to lean on each other for support.

• Continue to love one another to the end, although the dynamic of your relationship may change your love doesn’t have to.

• Don’t blame your partner, it isn’t their fault. If you need to express your anger do it to friends or family who can cope with the emotional burden.

• Even if a person is very ill, take the time to create situations which will create good memories.

• Plan for a future without them – set some ‘single’ ambitions, this will give you a reason to move on when they are gone.

• Be honest about your feelings. Don’t apologise for feeling angry or disappointed that this has happened to you.

• If your partner dies after a long and painful illness, you may feel a sense of relief on death and it is perfectly acceptable to feel this way.

• Give yourself time to grieve, both at diagnosis and on death. Putting on a brave face will only delay the grieving process. It will take time to adjust.

• However difficult try to plan practical things in advance such as funeral planning and sorting out finances so you don’t have to start from scratch when you are dealing with a recent death.

• Take practical help when it is offered – do whatever you can to lighten your burden.

Talking through your feelings can be very helpful. You can find help from your local GP or counsellors .

CRUSE runs groups for people who are grieving.

The Grieving Process

Bereavement is one of the most stressful events you are ever likely to experience, with the death of a spouse considered the most stressful life event one can experience.

Dealing with the varying and sometimes overwhelming emotions when someone dies is very hard. Evidence shows that many people who ignore their grief often experience unresolved psychological issues and physical problems later. To be able to come to terms with your loss and carry on with your life you need to grieve.

Often we tend not to grieve because it is simply too painful and we would rather ignore the feelings. Some people feel embarrassed or think they should ‘pull themselves together’ or be ‘getting on with things’. Dealing with the emotions at the time, as painful as they are, is the beginning of the healing process.

The grieving process is very different for each person but most people experience similar stages . You will never forget your loved one but in order to move on you will need to reach the stage where you can accept their death. Getting to this stage very much depends on you, but it can take months or even years.

During this time you should seek out the help and support of family and friends. If you are struggling to cope with your feelings then you can find help from your GP, Cruse or the National Association of Bereavement Services 020 7709 0505.

Emotional Responses - The Five Stages of Grief

Immediately following a death we may be numbed by shock and sometimes be in denial, which appears to lessen the intensity of emotions we are feeling. It is quite normal not to ‘feel’ anything following a death; you can often have a delayed reaction.

Some people don’t deal with their emotions for days, months or even years after the death. Many people feel angry about death – they are raging about being left alone, angry that more could have been done or just a general sense of anger about the loss. You should not feel guilty about being angry – you have lost someone valuable to you and it is normal to feel a sense of injustice.

Quite often people move through the cycle of grief both before and after a death and bargaining can play a big part at both these times. Before the death occurs you may have a ‘chat with someone above’, you may promise to give up something if the person gets better. After the death you may castigate yourself for not doing more and think if you had they wouldn’t have died. Moving beyond this stage is vital if you are to reach acceptance, otherwise you will be burdened by a sense of unreasonable guilt.

Several months following bereavement, after you have moved out of the initial phase of all consuming grief, you may begin to experience a general sense of depression. You may find you are generally disinterested in life, begin to eat less or more, lack concentration and find yourself crying at random things.

When you are depressed it is very hard to keep things in proportion and you may become consumed by your thoughts and emotions. Although this stage is common, if you find yourself unable to perform normal everyday functions you should seek help from your GP – counselling and sometimes medication can help. You can read more about depression here

At some point you will reach a sense of acceptance about the death, this doesn’t mean you forget or stop caring. You may also return to earlier feelings of depression or anger from time to time but acceptance is about dealing with the emotions associated with the death so you can move on with your life.

If you try to ignore your feelings then moving through this cy...